Pregnancy

Pregnancy – Week 29

I think it shows that I’m feeling emotionally better at the moment. I try not to worry too much and I try my best to convince myself that everything will be just fine and that we will get to take this baby home in 2 months. Physically though … the misery has begun. My back started hurting pretty badly yesterday, and my hips have been bothering me more and more as well. It’s to the point now where I have to get up much earlier than usual, because lying in bed for too long only makes it worse. As a result: I’m pretty damn tired all day. If it’s already that painful right now, I can’t really imagine how bad it will be towards the end. My hips just get so loose in the third trimester. It’s crazy. I guess some women are more prone to this than others. At least it’s a good consolation to know that it all goes back to normal after birth. But for now, it’s far from pleasant.

I called off a family event on Gert’s side of the family, which I was supposed to attend this Saturday. It’s in the evening; the most miserable time of the day for me. And even though I’m a little bummed to be stuck at home until this baby arrives, I just know it’s for the best. I would physically feel so miserable if I went there. There’s no point. Especially since there will be a 3 course meal, and I’ve been avoiding large dinners in the evening for a couple of months now. I stop eating around 6:30PM / 7PM latest, because otherwise I can’t sleep due to horrible stomach acid. So yeah … Oh well. Gert will be attending for both of us lol

On a positive note: my hair seems to finally be getting better. Pregnancy hormones made it look like crap for the longest time. I started having to take extra good care of it so it would look halfway decent. It got so flat and dull and lifeless, and even a lot darker than usual (wtf?). I do lighten my hair every once in a while, but this was getting extreme. And because of how bad it was looking, I didn’t dare to make the situation worse by adding hair dye to the mix. Plus, I know they say it’s safe during pregnancy, but after everything we’ve been through, I figured I might as well play it safe and stay away from it for a while. Now that it seems to be back to having some shine and body, and that this pregnancy is slowly nearing its end, I think I’ll dye it in a few weeks. Maybe around week 32. That’s when Baby’s brain will be fully developed and that the remaining weeks will basically be spent gaining weight and growing those little lungs. I’ll feel better about it then.

lilypie pregnancy ticker fetal growth development size 3rd third last trimester week 29 twenty nine weeks baby evolution fetus

thebump.com pregnancy ticker fetal growth development size 3rd third last trimester week 29 twenty nine weeks baby evolution fetus

Gert keeps suggesting baby names that I loathe. He’s the ideal man in every imaginable way, but it turns out he does have one negative side: his horrible taste in baby names! “Philibert” and “Engelbertus” are two of the many gems that have come out of his mouth so far … 😖 Um, NO!!! There are only a few that we both feel somewhat okay about. Pffft. At least he gave me a free pass when it comes to both middle names. Whew! This whole headache is exactly why – this time around – I don’t even want to hear any of our family’s opinions about names. It’s already hard enough as is. I know for sure some people will not like our choice, no matter what it ends up being, so screw it. Can’t please everybody! I know some people didn’t like the name “Sam” either. But it’s what felt right for him. And when he was born, he definitely looked like a Sam. So, I’ll just stick to the same approach again. And no matter how he ends up being named, I know for sure this child will thank me in the future for not having listened to his dad! 😂 Haha!!

Anyway, he may not have a name yet, but at least he already has plenty of clothes waiting for him! My mom hand knitted this adorable little outfit:

Baby boy white pale blue outfit handmade knitted diy craft teddy bear cardigan overall cute adorable with love home made knitting stitching sewing embroidery embellishment

It’s so soft and pretty! Let’s just hope the season this was made for will match his size by the time the weather’s right for it to be worn. I’m afraid we’re only capable of making giant babies, so the sizing worries me a little bit. But oh well, we’ll see. Less than 60 days now before I get induced. Oh, I can’t wait!

pregnancy induction countdown

Pregnancy – Week 28

I don’t know what it is about week 28 that makes me feel so much more relaxed and more confident all of a sudden. It doesn’t make much sense because I haven’t even passed the so called “point of loss”. My point of loss; which is the exact time in pregnancy when Sam died, will never be reached again. I will never deliver a baby in my 39th week, ever again. There’s something about it that really blows my mind. Sam will forever be the baby that I carried the longest. I’ve talked to many loss moms this past year and a half, and many of them mentioned how there’s something crucial in terms of anxiety that changes once you go past your point of loss. I will never have that. And I wouldn’t want to. The sooner they get this baby out, the better. I just don’t trust my body anymore to go the full length. It’s sad.

I have now started the series of appointments that will be at a rate of once every two weeks up until I get induced in 10 weeks. So, 5 more appointments to go. I can’t wait for this all to be over. Yesterday’s appointment felt completely useless. The doctor listened to the baby’s heart with a doppler, asked me how I was feeling, and that was pretty much it. Like, seriously? Did we really just drive this whole way for that? Is this the kind of appointment that is supposed to reassure me until this baby’s born? 😒 Pffft. She couldn’t even figure out the baby’s position. I was mildly annoyed but couldn’t even be bothered at that point. She kept hitting his foot and was like “I’m not sure what that is.” Um, lady, that’s his foot! It’s pretty clear that he’s in the correct position with his head down, but she couldn’t figure it out at all. *sigh* Whatever. I feel like I’ve got things somewhat under control for now. I know what position he’s in, what I feel, and I’m still marking blue crosses in my agenda all day long, every single time I feel a movement or a kick. His (hyper)activity remains well within his usual range, so I’ve got all the reassurance I need for now. The next appointment in 2 weeks will include one last detailed ultrasound. Thank God for that. I want to know everything and they better check it all. How they expect to blindly get through the remaining 2 months after that blows my mind, but no choice, I guess.

lilypie pregnancy ticker fetal growth development size 3rd third last trimester week 28 twenty eight weeks baby evolution fetus

thebump.com pregnancy ticker fetal growth development size 3rd third last trimester week 28 twenty eight weeks baby evolution fetus

I’m so happy to see what looks like a full term baby now on the brown ticker. I know he’ll need to triple in weight within the next 10 weeks, but I feel like we’re so close to the finish line now. I can’t wait!

Meanwhile, Gert has managed to get sick. 😠 Just what I didn’t need right now. I feel really bad for him because it’s obviously painful. His throat is horribly sore, he had a fever earlier today, he’s coughing nonstop, and he’s basically been bedridden since yesterday evening. The doctor came by a few hours ago and confirmed it’s bad enough to require antibiotics. *Great* Meanwhile, I’m scared to death to catch it. So, I think I’m going to take some drastic measures and sleep upstairs tonight. Not only will it lower the risk of catching the same, but it will also allow me to get some much needed sleep, because all the coughing kept me awake most of last night. I’m exhausted.

We’re still going in circles with baby names … At this point I’m just ready to settle for one that’s been in our top 3 ever since we expected Sam 2 years ago. I’m dead set on his middle name, but his first and third remain a mystery. We better hurry and figure it all out, because we only have 66 more days to go … Eeek!

I’m Back

I’m so sorry I’ve been mute for several months. Life became so heavy and full of worries that I’ve been busy dealing with that. But I always had the intention to keep up this blog. Probably for the rest of my life, actually. This has literally become my photo album, my diary, my therapy … my little piece of internet that shows my life and who I am. It will live on for as long as my credit card pays my web host ;-)

Sometimes though, certain things in life are too private to share with the world. Like my uncle’s battle against cancer, his death, his funeral. We’ve been through some rough months filled with sadness and grief. I saw my mom struggling with all the emotions involved with seeing her brother slowly leaving us. We spent many hours visiting him. First at home, and then at the hospital. I couldn’t blog about random happy things in the mean time. This blog is too personal for me to keep up appearances while dealing with the opposite behind my screen. So I let it all rest for a bit and allowed myself a break. All my social media accounts went silent. I must admit: it’s NICE to take a break from the internet every once in a while. I always thought I was an internet junkie, but I’ve come to realize that I’m really not. Some private matters are sacred and don’t get shared online. Especially when there’s someone else’s privacy involved. In this case, a close family member. There’s a certain dignity about not oversharing certain things which I’ve learned to appreciate.

This is also true for what I’ve been trying to handle as best as I can without losing my sanity over it: pregnancy after losing our little boy Sam. I had no idea when I was going to announce it. At first, I wanted to wait until the end of my first trimester. Then it didn’t feel right. So I decided to wait until we found out the gender at 5 months. Then that didn’t feel right either. And then with my uncle being so close to dying, it just didn’t feel right at all. So then I decided to wait until we found a name for this baby … Now, at 28 weeks, despite the fact that we still haven’t decided what to name this child, I feel like the right moment has come to announce that we have a baby on the way. 💕

Baby 2016 pregnancy announcement paper figures couple wedding cake toppers pets home house painting background crib buggy cute pram

The state of mind I’m in is impossible to describe in a few paragraphs. But you can catch up with my entire journey in a little bit by looking back at older blog posts. I started blogging privately from the moment I found out I was pregnant, on November 2nd 2015, but I kept everything locked. I will unlock all the pregnancy-related posts in a minute, so they will be publicly visible for everyone to read.

I will be induced at 38 weeks. Partly so we won’t run the risk of losing this baby like we lost Sam. And partly so I won’t go completely mental by the time those last few weeks roll in.

So this is where I stand right now: 10 more weeks to go and scared to death of losing this one too. All while grieving my uncle who passed away on Easter Monday, and processing the fact that no matter what, we’ve been missing Sam through it all and will miss him even more when his little brother arrives. I’m definitely looking forward to happier updates from now on. God knows I need it!

In any case, even though it felt good to take a break from it all during this stressful time, I have to say it’s nice to be back! My Facebook, Twitter and Instagram will be active again as of this week, so do join me there as well! And most of all: thanks to those of you who stuck around during this quiet time and kept visiting my blog, sometimes almost daily. Thank you for the sweet messages of concern I received, the random “How are you doing? Is everything okay?”, and basically for still being there. I appreciate it. 🌹

Baby 2016 pregnancy announcement paper figures couple wedding cake toppers pets home house painting background crib buggy cute pram

Pregnancy – Week 27

I have now started my third trimester and that makes me happy! The end is in sight, finally. If all goes well, I’m now exactly 11 weeks away from meeting our little boy. I’ve been trying to focus on my post-birth body and all the pretty clothes I’ll be able to wear again. I know this sounds totally shallow, but I find that this silly superficial stuff helps me keep my mind off the anxiety surrounding the (hopefully) safe delivery of this baby. I have a hard time picturing myself with a living child as of July, since all I know so far is coming home from the hospital empty handed and having nothing else to focus on than getting back in shape. It’s sad, really. But shopping for non-pregnancy clothes has brought a little bit of sunshine in my anxiety-filled pregnant days. Obviously, since I’ve been living like a hermit ever since the pregnancy test turned positive in November, all of my shopping is done online. I’ve been browsing and browsing for hours. My budget doesn’t allow eccentric purchases, so I’ve specifically been on the hunt for bargains, and boy have I found some! I can’t wait to post about them later.

I feel the time is coming now to make an official announcement on my website. I’d really like to post something special soon and also simultaneously switch all these private pregnancy posts into “public” mode for my readers to see. I just feel like I’ve come to a point now where it would be weird not to.

As far as my health is concerned: things are alright. Even though my pulse does still go up several times a week for no apparent reason. My last episode was a few hours ago, around noon, when my heart started beating as fast as 100 BPM. Luckily, it went back down quite quickly for once and I felt better again within half an hour. This never ending issue has prompted me to call off a family event I’m supposed to attend at the end of this month. I just don’t want to risk being stuck there a whole evening in case I suddenly feel bad again and need to lie down. My mother-in-law was slightly shocked when I told her I wouldn’t be going, but then I think she quickly accepted that it was probably best to play it safe. I hope everyone else will understand, and not try to come up with some far fetched theories when they see Gert showing up alone. Really, the point is: my body can’t seem to handle much at this point and there’s no sense in pushing my limits so close to the finish line. I’d rather stay home and take it easy for the remaining 11 weeks.

lilypie pregnancy ticker fetal growth development size 3rd third trimester week 27 twenty seven weeks baby evolution fetus

thebump.com pregnancy ticker fetal growth development size 3rd third trimester week 27 twenty seven weeks baby evolution fetus

Baby’s doing well though. I feel him so much throughout the day, and even at night when I get up to go to the bathroom real quick. He seems to have settled down nicely at night though. He used to be just as hyperactive then as he is during the day. But now he seems to be taking it easy and only moves when I’m turning around or getting up.

If his growth matches the growth chart, then he should now be around 37cm long and weigh almost 1 whole kilo. His weight should double to about 2 kilos within the next 6 weeks.

Speaking of weight, mine seems to have spiralled a bit more out of control than I would have liked … I now weigh exactly 70.5kg, which according to the chart below, is more than the estimated maximum weight gain. Pfffft ….

Pregnancy weight gain curve chart

source

I’m obviously not planning to go on a diet while I’m still pregnant. But I admit I’ll be a little more mindful of how caloric my food intake is as of now, and I’m determined to shed the extra weight FAST after this baby’s born!

I am now 73 days away from getting induced. I can’t wait for this countdown to show a single digit.

Pregnancy – Week 26

Week 26 – I look like a whale. But that’s okay. Because it’s for a good cause. And that way I can make an even better comeback when I’m back to looking fabulous! 😝

I went to my uncle’s funeral yesterday; which I was dreading. I was worried that it would be both emotionally and physically draining; which the doctor insisted I avoid at the moment. But I ended up dealing with it alright. It was quite tiring though. And although there were obviously emotional moments, I managed to remain calm and keep my heart rate down a bit. Now that this is all behind us, I have vowed myself that the next 3 months will be uneventful, stressless, and completely peaceful and relaxing. I don’t want to visit anyone or have anyone visiting me. We’ll all catch up as soon as this baby has arrived safely. Right now, I’ll just stick to my safe little bubble here at home. Nice and quiet.

I experienced some more sharp pain in my heart last week, as well as shortness of breath. Although I didn’t want to believe it at first, I have to come to the conclusion now that it most likely was indeed stress related. When we came back home yesterday after the funeral, I noticed I had some mild pain below my chest, like, right under my heart. And then it dawned on me that it wasn’t actually my heart I was feeling, but my ribs. What in the world? Turns out my ribs were sore. I suppose this is due to everything stretching out and trying to set into a new place / position. I had similar rib aches with Sam, but that was only during labor when his foot had somehow positioned itself against my rib cage. So, I’m surprised I’m feeling this now while my third trimester hasn’t even started yet. I think my last trimester officially starts on April 11th, if I remember correctly.

lilypie pregnancy ticker fetal growth development size second trimester week 26 twenty six weeks baby evolution fetus

thebump.com pregnancy ticker fetal growth development size second trimester week 26 twenty six weeks baby evolution fetus

Baby keeps growing and is becoming stronger and stronger. I can’t wait to meet him. I’ve started getting a sense of his personality lately, and I know he’s going to be everything but dull! I can already sense a pretty strong will in there and a sense of independence. Parenting this child won’t be boring.

I keep worrying about his safe arrival. I keep thinking SOMETHING is going to go wrong, any time between now and June 27th. There’s absolutely no way for me to shake off this sense of doom. People around me tend to go “Oh, come on Lisa, lightning won’t strike twice. Stop worrying, it will be fine.” And I always feel so offended when this happens, even though I know very well that they mean this to encourage me and stay positive. But I wish I could get them to understand that no matter what they say, the fact remains that the only reality I know so far is giving birth to a dead baby. I never put it that bluntly, because I know these words would shock people. But that’s my life and that’s all I’ve ever experienced so far. So how can I NOT think about the worst case scenario? To me, it’s not some abstract small percentage on a statistical curve. To me, it’s my little boy, Sam. And when you know that women who have experienced stillbirth before, have an increased risk of experiencing it again in the future, then yes, I do feel offended when people tell me not to worry. I know THEY don’t worry. It’s not their baby. At worst, they’ll feel bad for me if it goes wrong, and then their life will continue like nothing happened. I just wish they’d let me express my worries and offer a few kind words of support, instead of trying to dismiss my fears and tell me to get over it, because A) that’s not gonna happen anyway, and B) it doesn’t help me at all.

I’ve already sensed a few people talking about this baby like he’s my first. Albeit just subtly implying. I’m ready to swing it at them if they ever dare to say it clearly and dismiss Sam entirely. Sam was NOT some sort of failed attempt. He was my little boy. I held him in my arms, we dressed him, we buried him. And he was absolutely gorgeous. He was not some abstract thing that was only part of our lives for a short minute. He IS part of our lives for always.

Anyway, we bought a few more baby clothes today. And I’ve signed up for a few discount websites, as I’m planning to buy some more online. There’s no point physically going to different stores when I’m supposed to be taking it easy anyway. Plus, I seem to find better deals online than in real stores. I can already tell you that this baby will strictly be dressed in pale blue for the first 6 months of his life lol I keep trying to find more colors like green, yellow, red, whatever. But it seems like companies insist on only selling either pink or blue, so I give up. We’ll have a blue baby in all our pictures, I guess! *shrug*

I ordered little bee charms last weekend. I think I will receive them in the mail within 2 weeks or so. I’ve basically started working on the little birth gifts we’ll be handing out to people when our baby’s born. It’s a well anchored tradition here in Belgium. The colored sugar coated chocolates are mandatory. 😊 I think we’ll buy a mix of white and yellow treats. We’ve owned a whole series of these little glass jars ever since September 2014 … we had originally purchased them for Sam; barely 1 week before he was stillborn. I guess some people could find it weird that we are going to use them after all for a different baby. But it never really bothered me to “reuse” them. Sam’s theme was meant to be white and pale blue with a little carousel horse attached to it with a blue and white gingham ribbon. We’ll have to throw away Sam’s blue and white chocolates soon, because they’re still stored in the nursery and are past their expiration date.

I want everything for this baby to be yellow and Summer themed. The birth announcement itself will feature a sun; symbol of our sunshine after the rain. 🌞

suikerbonen doopsuikers wit geel glazen potje met lepel en kurk beitje gele bei zomer thema honing goud geboorte doop feest cadeautje geschenk baby shower gift sugar coated chocolates sweets treats yellow white satin ribbon bee honey charm gold glass jar wooden spoon cork sticker label name date of birth baptism christening pinterest diy craft

Obviously, I don’t know the exact birth date yet. And we don’t have a name for this baby yet either … So, we’ll have to know those two things before I can get these labels printed. Only 82 more days! Sounds better than 12 weeks, and even better than 3 months!