Hearing about that couple we know who just lost their baby brought back all the misery we’ve been through. At first I didn’t feel like this news was going to hit me hard; even though I obviously feel awful for them. But then I hardly slept and I started thinking about Sam, those 9 months when he was alive and healthy, and then the sudden end, those days at the hospital, seeing him for the first and last time, and then coming home to nothing.
I think it affected Gert too, because we both decided on a whim to go shopping a whole afternoon this weekend when we didn’t even need anything. Adding to the irony: that’s when I finally found a machine washable rug for the nursery, which I’d been looking for since last Summer. Figures. I went ahead and bought it. Working on the finishing touches gives me such a strange feeling of accomplishment. I guess it may seem silly since there’s no baby to use it for.
I also got these two yellow and green porcelain bunnies. Totally useless, but so adorable.
And this little monster with a zippered mouth that serves as a pouch.
The tiny booklet attached to the back explains that its actual purpose is for children to draw their fear or anger on a piece of paper, and stuff it into the monster’s mouth and then zip it shut. I’m afraid this is a little too psychologically deep for us practical people! So it would most likely end up being used to store tiny toys, or tissues, or God knows what.
I spent the whole afternoon yesterday rearranging a bunch of things in that room. The most painful of all was putting away the last of Sam’s stuff in a box, which I had started working on last Wednesday. The only thing left that’s linked to him is the glass display on the window sill that has his name on it and contains some items. Everything else is now stored away in a closed box. It was weird going through everything and making the final decision of what will remain in the room to be used for another baby, and what will be kept forever in Sam’s box.
I have to say though, it feels like a weight was lifted off my shoulders now that it’s done. The nursery was kind of frozen in our mourning process. Nothing had been moved since September. So it now feels like the room has regained its neutrality, ready to welcome the future. We even leave the door open now.
On a positive note: my ring fits again! The medication I got to reduce the swelling in my fingers seems to have helped a bit. It’s still not 100% back to normal, but even though there’s enough in the box to keep taking it another week, I think I’m going to stop here. The side effects are annoying, and all I wanted was to be able to wear my wedding band again. Goal achieved :-)