Merry Christmas 2015

Is it too late to wish you a merry Christmas?

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I tried so hard to give a shit this year, but then I obviously failed miserably. I’m just glad we were invited to my brother-in-law’s place on Christmas eve, so at least I didn’t have to plan or organize anything myself. I had already decided that we wouldn’t be inviting anyone over anyway. So this kind of solved it perfectly. Now Gert wants to invite his parents over on New Year’s eve, and I’m just like “yeah, no.” I’m sorry, it’s nothing against them personally. I do enjoy their company. But I was just really REALLY looking forward to a nice cozy pyjama evening with lots of finger food in front of the TV.

I got to see everybody’s lovely family pictures with their children and babies in front of their Christmas tree plastered all over the internet. Just what I needed! 😒 Ever since Sam passed away, I just can’t deal with happy family portraits anymore. I guess that’s the cross I’m doomed to bear for the rest of my life now. The fact that our family portraits, no matter how many children we have in the future, will never be complete. There will always be a little boy missing by our side. And it doesn’t get easier with time. When I think of how big he would be right now, and how much fun he would have had playing with his new toys … It chokes me up so badly that I have to block those thoughts out of my head and quickly think of something else. Sometimes I manage, sometimes I don’t.

I put quite a lot of effort into Christmas and New Year’s celebrations last year. I guess I felt like I had to force it and fake it, just to get me through the pain of it all. Now that I’m in a less extreme survival mode, I basically just feel like not putting any energy into any of it. I hardly found any motivation to put a decent outfit together on Christmas Eve. My hair looked kinda shitty, my makeup was very basic. And my brother-in-law’s Christmas tree was all black with black Christmas ornaments and everything, which I found ironically appropriate for me that day.

So I basically have zero pictures of our Christmas this year. Maybe I will take some on New Year. After all, I am pretty fucking happy to see 2015 go! What a shitty year it was! Good riddance 2015. You were CRAP. 💩