“Oh, so it never lived?”

I know I haven’t updated in a while. I’ve been meaning to, though. But I figured there was no point keeping up with weekly updates at the moment.

Overall, we’re doing okay. I finally ordered some prints of the pictures we took right after he was born. They are so beautiful. I was worried they’d look a bit morbid, but they don’t at all. Just a gorgeous sleeping baby. I’m not going to share them, because it wouldn’t feel right. But I’ll just say that since he was so beautiful, it’s a shame that they won’t be out for the world to see.

We go to the cemetery several times a week and it’s weird how people keep staring at us. Sam is obviously buried in the children’s section. I suppose people wonder what happened. One lady came up to us the other day and asked us flat out, so we told her our story. She proceeded with “oh, so it never lived?”. Ugh. She’s the third person to say this to us. It hurts me every time.

First of all, he was our little boy, not “it”. And second, of course he lived! He lived for 9 whole months. *sigh*

I know people don’t mean any harm or disrespect. I think they’re just taken by surprise when we tell them what happened, and they spontaneously ask whatever (dumb) questions shoot through their mind at that moment. I’m trying not to hold a grudge. I just keep hoping I’ll never have to hear this again, because it does feel like a stab in my heart each time.

We also received a card from a friend that caused more pain than relief. She and I were pregnant at the same time and she was also expecting a little boy. He was born a couple of months before Sam. We bought a few gifts back then, and I guess they figured now would be a good time to send us a picture of their baby to thank us, with “by the way, we’re so sorry you lost yours” written on the back. Okay, I’m paraphrasing, but that’s what it boiled down to. I wanted to toss it in the trash, but ended up shoving it at the bottom of our pile of cards instead. It had me crying for two days. Some people have no sense of tact. Gert tried to be diplomatic about it and said they probably weren’t sure what to do. But to me, it seemed like a no-brainer. They could have just sent us a mourning card in September when we lost our baby, just like everybody else did. And then sent us their son’s “thank you” card separately now. That would have been fine. Of course it will always sting to see their little boy, but at least it wouldn’t have felt like such a slap in the face. Trying to combine their son’s thank you card with our son’s mourning message was of poor taste. I still can’t wrap my head around how anyone could think it was a good idea to send this to grieving parents.

Anyway, moving on.

We went shopping last week and as we were walking through the store, I suddenly saw they still had the outfit I had Sam buried in. It was the very last one in stock. I felt so overwhelmed, I quickly walked in its direction. There was one lady shopping for baby clothes and I saw her grabbing it before I got to it. I swear I almost had a panic attack right there. I wanted to say something and take it out of her hands, but I just stood there frozen. I had no idea what to do and Gert didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I swear she was taking forever, grabbing a few, putting some back, taking some more. Oh My God. She finally put that one outfit back and I snatched it right there before she had second thoughts. I said to Gert “we’re buying it” and he was like “okay”. I didn’t even care that it wasn’t the same size. When we came home, I went straight to the nursery, unpacked the clothes and laid them out flat in the crib. Boy did I feel relieved and accomplished. I was seriously proud of myself. Then I was standing there and I was like “okay uhm … now what?”. The clothes have been there for a week and a half now, and I still have no idea what my point was of buying them. At first I figured, whatever, we can always use them for one of our future babies. But now I’m thinking that would be beyond creepy. So, I suppose I’ll just pack them in Sam’s box that contains all his other things.

Today it randomly crossed my mind that exactly one year ago, Sam didn’t even exist yet. That thought really weirded me out …

♥︎ Lisa