Pregnancy – Week 20

Will I ever post a flattering picture of me again? Who knows.

Baby has been crazy active this past week. I’ve started marking blue crosses in my hourly agenda every time I feel him moving or kicking, and all I can say is that my pages are full of blue crosses from top to bottom. I even feel him at night.

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I’ve also started experiencing some uncomfortable sensation towards my lower left side. I can’t tell if this happens when the baby gets into a certain position and pushes against something, or if it’s just “growing pains” as my belly keeps stretching further out. Whatever it is, it’s unpleasant and seems to come and go with no pattern or logic to it.

My belly has reached the point now where I can honestly say that heavy cleaning and house chores will from this point on have to wait until July. I am not going to force anything. And if this house turns into a mess, then so be it! I’ll get it all done as soon as this little one has arrived safely.

My mom has announced my pregnancy to several family members. I was planning to do this myself within the next few weeks, but she told me a while ago that this was becoming a difficult topic to avoid, as everyone’s sort of been asking “how I’m doing”; quite obviously trying to find out if there could be a baby on the way. While some (like a local shop owner) have just flat out asked if I wasn’t pregnant yet. Rude!

Anyway, I gave my mom the green light to go ahead and share the news with anyone should the conversation clearly gear into that direction. I don’t mind. It’s not how I had personally planned to announce this baby, but I’ve got more important issues on my plate right now than silly details like that.

I also can’t seem to get my mind into the same motions as during my first pregnancy. I was so happy back then. I couldn’t wait to send our little gender and name reveal cards to everyone, and share his sonogram picture. Now? My confidence is down to zero. My only hope is that he will live. That I finally get to take a living baby home instead of an empty baby car seat and a hospital bag filled with brand new baby clothes that were never used after all. I can’t imagine dealing with that kind of trauma a second time. I just can’t. And it’s paralyzing me in so many ways. There’s no way in Hell I will send a gender and name reveal card to anyone this time. I will make one though, but only for us and because I want my babies to get exactly the same. If Sam got his little pregnancy souvenir card, then this baby will too. ❤️

I also remember how eager we were to decide about Sam’s name. I think we settled for “Sam” within a week of finding out he was a boy. This time around, we don’t even have a top 5 yet. I’m strangely calm about it right now. I suppose I’ll know his name when I find it and it feels right. Just like with Sam. “Sam” wasn’t even a name I would have ever considered before. But for some reason it felt so right for him. He was a Sam, no doubt about that. This little firecracker right here will get his name in due time. At least I’m already 100% sure about his two middle names.

It’s 36 days before my next prenatal appointment. Unfortunately no ultrasound then; only a doppler to hear the heart. And 125 days until we get this labor started!