Wow Lisa, why so fancy today with a shawl and a necklace? Oh you know, when fashion inspiration strikes …
No seriously though; the weather is shit right now and all my cardigans are in the laundry basket. Sweaters are no longer working with this belly, so it looks like I’ll have to go maternity shopping again soon. Even my black maternity pants no longer fit. I mean, I can still wear them, but the belly band is too tight and uncomfortable. I definitely wore the exact same pants well into my third trimester last time, so this is getting scary.
Overall, things are going quite alright. I feel this little ball of energy moving all day and all night. It’s such a huge reassurance. I seriously don’t remember feeling Sam move that much; but the doctor also said that Sam was somehow placed deeper which probably affected the amount of movements I felt. This one is much more obvious and way easier to recognize. I did have some mild panic on Sunday morning when I had the impression that he’d been less active than usual. Thank God I’m writing it all down religiously, so looking back at this whole past week managed to keep me somewhat calm until I felt him move again. My mind knew I hadn’t passed a critical point of no movement yet, but I guess the fact that it happened on a Sunday morning (just like when I no longer felt Sam move) was enough to trigger anxiety. Turns out he only had a couple of quiet hours and was probably just resting. Sorry little buddy, no resting allowed until you’re born alive and well!
This belly is definitely getting big now. I can’t believe I still have another 4 months to go. I dare not think about how massive I will look by then. Will we ever make regular sized babies? 😩 One seriously annoying symptom I’ve had to start dealing with this past week is stomach acid and reflux. It’s not very encouraging, because this is supposed to only start during the last trimester. Oh boy.
Only 3 more weeks until we reach viability. I didn’t expect this to actually stress me out, but I’m slowly starting to realize that from that point on, the ball will be in my court and the survival of my baby will then entirely depend on me. No one but me can sense when he’s moving and whether something’s normal or abnormal. I’m going to have to be so focussed and meticulous about it all. Whereas before, I could throw my hands up in the air and be like “well, there’s nothing I can do anyway, and nor can any doctor in the world. If a pregnancy goes wrong before viability is reached, then that’s the way it is.” In 3 weeks though, I’ll be responsible for this baby’s life. I will be his only lifeline and I cannot fail again. Oh, how bitter and angry I feel towards the entire world for never mentioning once how important it is to count the kicks every single day. Instead, I kept being told by pretty much everyone I know not to panic if baby starts moving less, because, you know, “babies don’t move when they’re getting ready for birth.” Such bullshit, I swear. I wish people would STOP with their nonsense and old wives’ tales. Seriously; if a baby starts moving less or no longer moves: it’s NOT normal. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Go to the ER and have it checked out. Better be safe than sorry. I sure wish someone, just SOMEONE had told me that. All those stupid prenatal classes we attended during my last trimester with Sam. Not ONCE did the midwife mention anything about fetal movement and which signs to look out for. I saw her from afar 2 weeks ago and I physically wanted to throw up when I recognized her face. I guess there are just too many emotions (and bitter ones at that) associated with her now. Even though my common sense knows all too well that this isn’t her fault. I just can’t get over how cheated and lied to I feel when I think of those prenatal classes. It almost feels like I had been promised a healthy living baby and a dream labor, and it was all robbed from me. No one ever mentioned once that babies can die in the womb. That it does happen every day, and that there are ways to be aware of certain signals that dramatically increase your chances of saving your baby’s life. It makes me angry.
Anyway, there’s not much else to report right now as far as this pregnancy is concerned. I’ve got a healthy appetite, my hips are starting to hurt more and more but it’s not all the time and it’s still bearable, baby is moving well, and we still don’t have a name … 🙊 We’re working on it though!