Pregnancy – Week 23

Still loving my pashminas like they’re the most sophisticated fashion item ever.

^^ As I’m sitting here looking at this picture now, I realize that my poor choice of clothing accidentally makes me look like a renaissance painting. Oy!

Week 23 … what can I say? I’m still 15 weeks away from giving birth, and it feels like such a long time. Baby will be considered viable as of next week, so that’s one thing. Other than that, I’d say we’re still 10 weeks away from the perspective of a safe delivery in case of a problem. June can’t come fast enough, I’m telling you! I keep picturing myself in the worst case scenarios. All the things that could go wrong and how powerless I would be. It’s emotionally draining. I’ve been marking blue crosses in my agenda every single time I feel him move. Luckily, he’s still very active and my pages are filled with blue crosses …

Let the blue crosses never stop, please.

I’ve been so paranoid that I even keep a close eye on the air quality. Today, for example, it’s absolute shit. So I haven’t even opened any windows yet and I’m planning to remain indoors like a recluse until the level of fine particles PM2.5 goes back down.

The doctor who handles my case said that my thyroid gland was swollen when I checked in after Sam had passed away. This is extremely unusual for me. I have no history of thyroid issues and it was actually checked throughout my entire pregnancy and my levels were always good. So the fact that it was suddenly so swollen on September 21st makes little sense. He mentioned the possibility of air pollution, but he obviously can’t back this up with any hard proof. So, he just told me to be careful from now on. He didn’t say, but I do know that the day I checked in at the hospital, 2 other heavily pregnant women showed up the same day with a deceased baby in their womb. September 2014 was a beautiful month. The weather was amazing and I was constantly outside, even if just sitting in the yard. Air pollution never crossed my mind for a second. Now, I check it multiple times a day on this website: I’m not swearing high and low that this is what caused me to lose Sam. But, it seems wise for me to consider this as a possible factor. I must say, the air quality was fantastic this entire winter. But the past few days have definitely been bad. I’m worried it will remain this way now that Spring is around the corner. Because it seems like bad weather with rain and wind really helps, and we’re bound to have less of that in the coming months. Pffft. It’s a sad thing when you’re dreading nice weather!

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Still no name for this poor child! I actually had a nightmare a few nights ago about me giving birth. Then the nurses took him away and I didn’t even get to see him. We waited and waited and eventually asked when we could see our baby and one nurse was like “I’m sorry, but you don’t have a name for your baby.” I said “yeah, but, we got to see Sam right away, so why not this one?” And she responded: “Well, you had a name for Sam. When you finally have a name for this baby, we’ll bring him to you.” LOL! I was so shocked and confused. My mind started racing and going over all the names we had marked on our “maybe” list and none felt right, it was horrible! Haha! Clearly, this whole name thing is starting to stress me out.

On a positive note: it will feel so good this weekend when the countdown goes below 100 days!