Week 26 – I look like a whale. But that’s okay. Because it’s for a good cause. And that way I can make an even better comeback when I’m back to looking fabulous! 😝
I went to my uncle’s funeral yesterday; which I was dreading. I was worried that it would be both emotionally and physically draining; which the doctor insisted I avoid at the moment. But I ended up dealing with it alright. It was quite tiring though. And although there were obviously emotional moments, I managed to remain calm and keep my heart rate down a bit. Now that this is all behind us, I have vowed myself that the next 3 months will be uneventful, stressless, and completely peaceful and relaxing. I don’t want to visit anyone or have anyone visiting me. We’ll all catch up as soon as this baby has arrived safely. Right now, I’ll just stick to my safe little bubble here at home. Nice and quiet.
I experienced some more sharp pain in my heart last week, as well as shortness of breath. Although I didn’t want to believe it at first, I have to come to the conclusion now that it most likely was indeed stress related. When we came back home yesterday after the funeral, I noticed I had some mild pain below my chest, like, right under my heart. And then it dawned on me that it wasn’t actually my heart I was feeling, but my ribs. What in the world? Turns out my ribs were sore. I suppose this is due to everything stretching out and trying to set into a new place / position. I had similar rib aches with Sam, but that was only during labor when his foot had somehow positioned itself against my rib cage. So, I’m surprised I’m feeling this now while my third trimester hasn’t even started yet. I think my last trimester officially starts on April 11th, if I remember correctly.
Baby keeps growing and is becoming stronger and stronger. I can’t wait to meet him. I’ve started getting a sense of his personality lately, and I know he’s going to be everything but dull! I can already sense a pretty strong will in there and a sense of independence. Parenting this child won’t be boring.
I keep worrying about his safe arrival. I keep thinking SOMETHING is going to go wrong, any time between now and June 27th. There’s absolutely no way for me to shake off this sense of doom. People around me tend to go “Oh, come on Lisa, lightning won’t strike twice. Stop worrying, it will be fine.” And I always feel so offended when this happens, even though I know very well that they mean this to encourage me and stay positive. But I wish I could get them to understand that no matter what they say, the fact remains that the only reality I know so far is giving birth to a dead baby. I never put it that bluntly, because I know these words would shock people. But that’s my life and that’s all I’ve ever experienced so far. So how can I NOT think about the worst case scenario? To me, it’s not some abstract small percentage on a statistical curve. To me, it’s my little boy, Sam. And when you know that women who have experienced stillbirth before, have an increased risk of experiencing it again in the future, then yes, I do feel offended when people tell me not to worry. I know THEY don’t worry. It’s not their baby. At worst, they’ll feel bad for me if it goes wrong, and then their life will continue like nothing happened. I just wish they’d let me express my worries and offer a few kind words of support, instead of trying to dismiss my fears and tell me to get over it, because A) that’s not gonna happen anyway, and B) it doesn’t help me at all.
I’ve already sensed a few people talking about this baby like he’s my first. Albeit just subtly implying. I’m ready to swing it at them if they ever dare to say it clearly and dismiss Sam entirely. Sam was NOT some sort of failed attempt. He was my little boy. I held him in my arms, we dressed him, we buried him. And he was absolutely gorgeous. He was not some abstract thing that was only part of our lives for a short minute. He IS part of our lives for always.
Anyway, we bought a few more baby clothes today. And I’ve signed up for a few discount websites, as I’m planning to buy some more online. There’s no point physically going to different stores when I’m supposed to be taking it easy anyway. Plus, I seem to find better deals online than in real stores. I can already tell you that this baby will strictly be dressed in pale blue for the first 6 months of his life lol I keep trying to find more colors like green, yellow, red, whatever. But it seems like companies insist on only selling either pink or blue, so I give up. We’ll have a blue baby in all our pictures, I guess! *shrug*
I ordered little bee charms last weekend. I think I will receive them in the mail within 2 weeks or so. I’ve basically started working on the little birth gifts we’ll be handing out to people when our baby’s born. It’s a well anchored tradition here in Belgium. The colored sugar coated chocolates are mandatory. 😊 I think we’ll buy a mix of white and yellow treats. We’ve owned a whole series of these little glass jars ever since September 2014 … we had originally purchased them for Sam; barely 1 week before he was stillborn. I guess some people could find it weird that we are going to use them after all for a different baby. But it never really bothered me to “reuse” them. Sam’s theme was meant to be white and pale blue with a little carousel horse attached to it with a blue and white gingham ribbon. We’ll have to throw away Sam’s blue and white chocolates soon, because they’re still stored in the nursery and are past their expiration date.
I want everything for this baby to be yellow and Summer themed. The birth announcement itself will feature a sun; symbol of our sunshine after the rain. 🌞
Obviously, I don’t know the exact birth date yet. And we don’t have a name for this baby yet either … So, we’ll have to know those two things before I can get these labels printed. Only 82 more days! Sounds better than 12 weeks, and even better than 3 months!