I’m so exhausted right now. I don’t know if it shows in my picture, but I definitely feel it. I practically didn’t sleep last night due to painful hips and we had to be at the hospital at 8AM this morning to monitor Baby’s activity for an hour. I had never done this before, so this was a first. They basically put 2 straps around my belly and I had to lay on my left side. The midwife explained the basics of what we could see on the monitor and in which case we’d have to call her right away. There were two other pregnant ladies hooked up to a monitor in that same room. I only briefly saw them as I walked by, because the whole appointment was spent behind closed curtains. Gert was so involved. It was cute. 😄 💕
Baby was kicking those monitor straps like it was really bugging him. He had hiccups, practiced breathing, turned around several times and showed a perfect heart rate. All was looking perfect. Thank God.
At one point, one of the other pregnant women a little further away started crying. I couldn’t see her as we were basically in a little closed cubicle, but she cried nonstop for a solid 40 minutes. I have no idea what was going on. One doctor came in, her husband went to get her some water, and she basically sobbed the entire time. Part of me wanted to ask the midwife about it – since my mind naturally jumps to the conclusion “dead baby”. But then I figured maybe her case wasn’t nearly as tragic as what we’ve been through so far, and it’s already been emotional enough for me, so I didn’t feel the strength to put myself in a vulnerable position. I’m not sure if most of us who go there are dealing with a pregnancy after a loss. In any case, I noticed that none of us acted like the average pregnant woman. There was no enthusiastic talk about baby’s growth and activity, no fun chatter about future plans … only worries. It was definitely a weird vibe.
When all that was done, they decided to do an ultrasound so we could see Baby and check things visually. They said this was mainly to reassure me. It was nice. But I have to be honest: I wasn’t really worried at that particular point. But at least this gave me a chance to ask them to check the umbilical cord. I wanted to know if it was anywhere near his neck. Luckily, it’s not. If it had been, I would have had to pay closer attention to possible distress signs from now on, such as increased hiccuping. I write it all down anyway. But it’s reassuring to know that – right now – the umbilical cord is fine.
My next appointment is next Wednesday, and then most likely we’ll go back in to monitor the baby the week after that.
While last week was one of my best weeks so far in terms of how I felt physically, I can’t really say the same about this week. I’m getting more and more tired and my hips are hurting so bad at night. I feel dizzy quite often, but the only plausible reason seems to be my lack of sleep. Household chores have become quite difficult. I gave the dog a bath yesterday and then had to lie down on the bed because it had triggered some mild Braxton Hicks contractions. Not pleasant at all! Although perfectly normal at this point in pregnancy.
We thought we had found his name last week, and now we don’t again … lol I swear this is hard! I’m usually not like that at all. I’m generally the kind of person who quickly figures out a few options and then makes up her mind about it fairly quickly. Now I keep going back and forth and I feel so indecisive. It’s annoying. Bless Gert for being so easy going and patient. He’s already found enough names for 10 more boys. Haha!!! I’m just not convinced about any of them. I still have my top 4, which he likes, but, I just can’t decide. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier once I meet him and see what he looks like. The weird thing is that I never felt like that with Sam. It was so easy with him. Everything was easy. It all felt so right. Maybe it would be easy again if Sam hadn’t died. Now it feels like extra pressure and extra insecurities. Part of me keeps thinking: “If this baby dies too, then basically, which name that I love am I going to sacrifice? Because then it would never actively be used.” Just like with Sam. It kills me that the only times I ever speak out his name, it’s because we’re talking about something sad. And it’s never on a daily basis like I imagined I would during that pregnancy. Once we had decided about “Sam”, I could imagine baby Sam, toddler Sam, teenage Sam, groom Sam … the older handsome Sam who’d be holding my hand at the hospital at the end of my life. That whole future was gone in the snap of a finger before it even started. I don’t think anyone can imagine what it does to a person, unless they’ve experienced it too.
Right now, I just know that I’m expecting a baby boy and that’s pretty much it. What will he look like? What will his name be? What will our future basically look like? No idea! It’s all so abstract. I just know that I want him alive and well so we can go on instead of being stuck in limbo … I can’t wait for D-day! Only 45 days left.