I feel so exhausted and empty right now. The funeral was two days ago, on Thursday October 2nd. I figured it would be the hardest day of all and that things would slowly start to get better from that point on. However, I had underestimated the backlash on the day after. There was nothing left to do or take care of. Everything had been handled, everything was done … and over. Gert and I were both sitting there in the dining room, not really knowing what to do with ourselves. The house feels so empty. The nursery is painfully quiet.
The last thing I was able to do for him was choose the little outfit and stuffed animal he’d be buried with:
We decided to keep the nursery. After all, we put so much work into it, it would be a shame to break it down less than two months after it got finished. And we’re still looking forward to having children. So keeping the room is like keeping a bit of optimism for the future. It’s a good thing we made it completely gender neutral though.
I thought the nursery would be the most painful thing to see when I got back home from the hospital. But strangely, it’s been a place of comfort. I guess it helps that Sam never actually used the room. A ton of it is second hand, but we have personally never used any of it, so it’s like a clean slate. At least from an emotional point of view. I sit there quite often now, just looking around in silence, enjoying the space and trying to sort my thoughts.
We sent out this card on Tuesday to everyone we know:
We tried to use as much as we could of the original birth announcement we had designed. But we obviously had to change the entire text, as well as the pictures which were supposed to be of him :-(
Lots of people have already called us and sent us a card. The support we’ve gotten from all sides has been overwhelming and we are so thankful. Some people even brought flowers to his grave, so that was a nice surprise when we went back there later.
Right now I do need to focus on getting better. I had to go through the entire labor and give birth to a full term baby. I left the hospital 48 hours later and headed straight to the funeral home in order to organize everything. Add to that how physically draining it is to cry and mourn; I definitely need some rest now. I’m awfully pale and have lost a big chunk of the pregnancy weight in an unhealthy record time.
We also had to go back to the hospital’s ER last Tuesday. I had been healing quite well during the first week following his birth, but all of a sudden, I started feeling this horrible pain in my lower abdomen. It spread all the way around my back and up to my stomach. The pain was even worse than contractions, I swear. I tried to walk to the bedroom so I could lay down on the bed, but almost passed out because of how unbearable the pain was. Gert panicked. I could see he was very worried. But I couldn’t even say a word. He called the hospital and explained what was going on. They told us to come in right away. Now to make a long story short: everything looked fine, but they suspect that at least one of my ovaries got twisted while everything inside my body is still getting back into place, and it must have gotten itself untwisted and back into the right position soon after. So it looked fine on the ultrasound, but these things can apparently get insanely painful. It did feel heavily bruised after that, and the pain took three days to vanish. That was rough! They also took some blood to see if there’s any kind of infection in my body (which is apparently common after giving birth), and of course there is. They weren’t sure what kind of infection yet. They suspect a bladder infection, but we’ll know next week. They just went ahead and prescribed me antibiotics that work for most infections anyway, so I should be covered. On the bright side, I feel absolutely nothing. My bladder is still a bit numb. So if it is a bladder infection, at least it’s pain free!
Sooo … I was supposed to only go back there 6 weeks after giving birth, for the usual postpartum checkup. Now they scheduled an extra appointment next week as they want to keep a close eye on things. -Fine to me- At least I don’t have to worry for a whole month before I get to see a doctor.
Anyway, that’s about it for now. I’m not really looking forward to this coming week, as I think it will still be quite difficult. I’m not physically healed yet, so I can’t do as much as I would like to keep myself busy. And they’re announcing grey, rainy weather. It won’t help :-(
On a side note: I do plan to keep this blog up. There are no taboos and it’s certainly not a secret. Sam existed and I want his story to stay published. I also don’t know what will happen next as far as our baby plans are concerned. So this will be a good place to keep track of our following chapters and vent when I need to.